To my future wife;
My sweetie, I’ve been thinking about you and
me – us; as the Christmas and New Year holidays draw near. I see my cousins, with
their significant others, and I yearn that for myself, just once. No. Not once
but at least, daily. For a life time. I doubt that will ever happen but I have
hope that it will happen. I feel as if with each passing year I fall farther
away from you. Perhaps, I might never find you my rib. Day and night, I wonder
where God ‘threw’ my rib. You know?
At times, I think you are nonexistent. Yeah,
I don’t believe you exist. There is this void in me that you are meant to fill.
Yeah for you to occupy and make your abode.
Because you are meant to fill me, are you not? To make me whole. Full.
Wholesome. At least that is what I see from my parents. I was born for you and
you for me. I am because you are; in my fantasy! Why can I not find you? Why am
I so alone? Or is my search in all the wrong places? Perhaps you are so near
while I make my search so far!
Do you ever think of me? I mean, do I ever
cross you r mind? That makes me think of Dolly Parton. Ok, do you have me in
your mind? Or even dream of me? I muse in my thoughts of how you think of me. What
I will look like; what my stance on life is. Do you wish you knew me now, at
this moment? Do you wish we were together? Are you lonely? Like me? Or are you not
yet born? After all, I know that the beautiful ones are not yet born.
I am set to welcome you, but I am not sure
on how to do it. I am ready but again, not so ready for you. I am sure of
myself but again, not so sure. I am courageous for you but again, I really
fear. Yeah. I fear the future. The future that includes finding you.
Perhaps my world is to be my own – single
and all alone. The lone ranger while my closest friends walk in twos. I’m of the establishment of thought that
possibly you aren’t designed for me, that I am not intended to have you or know
you. Or us live together and share our lives together.
How am I to go on single-handedly in love
when I have perpetually been told I am to wait for you or; search for you? You
see, I have sought in every nook nick and cranny. Again, perhaps I have not
sought too hard. Or diligently. Do not mistake me as one with a series of
heartbreaks. No. So where does that
leave me, then? Not whole or less of a man?
I wonder, you woman, do you really exist?
If not, who am I without you? A man who cannot
find you? What’s left for me without you?
You tell me.
How did all this come about? With the
insatiable yearning and longing for you?
I picture myself being with you. Treating
you right, walking with you in utter delight, showing all and sundry that we
are smothered in love. Ever heard of PDAs? Public Display of Affection? Yeah
that one. Perhaps we could try doing that too! But because I‘m afraid of what I
would become were I to find you now, though I would love to be with you, to
call you, to talk to you and to have you and to call you mine.
Perhaps, I should banish that thought from
my mind. The thought of love and being loved. But life goes on lady. It goes on
without you. It goes on in a limping gait till I find you. When I find you, I
will hopefully walk with an upright gait.
Again, it has been far too long being
single. In the meantime, I am going to commence
hoping for other things. Things like happiness, change, for new friends, new
places, for opportunities after all aluta
continua.
After all, I love myself. Charity begins at
home. I am my home! For now!
