Getting a lifetime partner and the what-ifs.

If there is one thing that revolves round my head every few days is the thought of finding a lifetime partner. Yes, one to marry. This is because I have never fathomed what runs or gnaws a person’s head till a decision is made that person X fits the bill of a wife or husband for that matter.
This puzzle or whatever it is made me ask some colleagues at work how they came to that AHA moment.
One told me that as soon as I find the ‘one’ I would instantly know. Huh? Instantly? That to me sounds like love at first sight and I don’t subscribe to that notion. 

Another told me that their marriage happened by default. By default, it means that they got so tangled in their lover’s hands and warm embrace and before they could shout or whisper the word stop, a baby was lying between them. That ‘default’ is not an ideal way to get a life partner. Heavens no. this is because it could bring with it a host of problems later on in life. The words here is COULD. For instance, I know of a couple whose marriage is in the rocks due to this default status. By the time they realised that they were not emotionally compatible, they were already ‘genitally’ compatible. That to me is the proverbial cart before the horse. Or is it not?
Don’t get me wrong here. Some may have begun with the cart ahead of the horse and righted things later on and live in marital bliss or so it seems. That is where my puzzle begins.

You see, my fear and puzzle is that we are all human and with that, comes unpredictability. A pleasant YES today could undergo metamorphosis into a barrage of a NO after another.
So, it would be great and exhilarating to find out that my life partner to be could come with user defined settings. Or better still, with a great DEFAULT status.

Since am now in my late 20s, marriage moved house from the back burners to the constant conscious desire of looking out for the lady that will perhaps fit the bill. So far so bad.
Picture it this way that at the moment, am in this forest in search of firewood and I have identified this great looking tree. The problem however lies with the reason that this tree is over at the horizon and there is this great divide that stops me from accessing it with my axe. All I can do is watch and wait. Praying with an occasional fast and I think that the fast has to be more frequent!!

My puzzle or fear of marriage is that I subscribe to the institution of thought that a burnt child dreads fire. I have not been burnt but I have plenty of living examples to warrant the fear of this FIRE.
My fears are like what if I am holed up with the wrong entity for the rest of my life? What if I have effectively blocked the RIGHT one with this one seeming so CONVENIENT but not so IDEAL?
What if this person has some weird school of thought that would make me the laughing stock among my peers?
What if I held on longer in wait, would I have hit a larger jackpot?
What if this person turns out to be an epitome of an ogre or witch for that matter?
What if this person will later on get an affinity to acts like infidelity?
What if she flees me in the not so rosy times?

Do not blame me. I am still trying to find a firm footing in this world of relationship.

I think marriage is a feat that should have its certificate signed at its end. Not before it is even a day old.

In the meantime, my search goes on.

Understanding Women

A friend of mine wrote a piece on understanding women and I was like; why not my own piece? The same saying has stuck with me through my many years of observation of the female of the species. I remember a friend of mine who used to state that he knew all about women. He was newly married and had it all figured out. Some weeks later he came in and announced that they were going to have a baby. I told him that his real knowledge on understanding women had just begun.
 In my short or long span of life (depends on your angle of view), I am amazed at the way women approach life. I’ll start with some comparisons of men and women shopping then move on to other observations. A man will go in and buy a white shirt without breaking a sweat. A white shirt in the right size and he’s out of there; just like that! A woman goes in to buy a white blouse, and the fun begins. The colour white now takes on meanings that stagger my imagination. There is Ecru, Anti-flash white, antique white, Beige white, Blond white, Cornsilk white, Cosmic latte white, Cream white, Eggshell white, Floral white, Ivory white , Seashell white, Snow white, Ghost white and even the common yet so hard to know White smoke ad infinitum. Don’t ask me how I know all that. Ask Google! Now the question of style comes in to play. Does it go with the current styles? Does it hide various figure flaws or accentuate the desired body parts? Does it match my handbag and my shoes? Is it the right season for this look? O.K the blouse is finally purchased. Is this it? Not on your life. Since the colour was not just exactly right there is nothing to do but shop for accessories that will match. And the circle starts all over again!

A man goes to the store with one thing in mind, get what you need and get out. A woman approaches the store as you might approach a trek Mount Kenya. There are new things to see, every corner of the supermarket must be explored for new adventures. Then suddenly around the next turn is a SALE TABLE containing the treasures of the ages. In another location a crowd has gathered, curiosity must be satisfied and so, off she heads to the crowd. There must be terrific buys to attract that many people. The amount of curiosity is directly proportional to the size of the crowd.

Men have you ever been standing in line to pay and suddenly without warning your wife or girlfriend or even the stranger-in-line gets a shopping urge and makes a U-turn back into the Supermarket? She says “I’m just going to run right over here and get something. I’ll be right back”. The words “right back” now take on a new perspective in the space time continuum. This seemingly harmless term now represents a time of from 30 seconds to infinity. You have no choice but to wait and wait and wait. Customers in line with you are now restless. A vigilante group is being formed; there is even talk of lynching! Hehe!  All you can do is wait while fearing reprisals from angry shoppers behind you. They have just purchased ecru blouses in 40 different shades and need to get to the next store to accessorize. It’s becoming an ugly scene.

Before we leave the world of shopping we cannot ignore the QUEST. I have really never figured out what triggers the quest, I guess I just don’t understand. Sometimes a woman will decide that there is a particular item that she must have. Now the quest begins. No matter how insignificant the item is there is no turning back until it is found and purchased. Spending Ksh 1,000 of petrol to find a Ksh 100 of a blouse is of no consequence, it is after all a QUEST for truth and righteousness. These quests make the search for the Holy Grail fade in significance.

Some of the terms we commonly use to communicate have totally different meaning when used by women. For instanced the term “YOU ALWAYS” is common to refer to some character flaw of the male subject. E.g. you always never call me, You always ignore me, You always….
This term taken at face value means something that has been repeated many, many times. Used by a woman it can mean that this disgusting behaviour has happened from one to maybe three times utmost.
 The war of words between men and women is not a real battle it is a matter of learning to understand the jargon women use to emphasize their position. So men gird up your loins and enter into the fray with kindness and patience. Because; if you could understand women, you wouldn’t believe it anyway

:(

MARRIAGE?

Many of my elderly friends –read adults, have of recent been inundating me with numerous questions about when I will get married. Whenever they ask me so, I just tell them to get ready for mchele in 2020. Yeah mchele being the rice take at weddings. I mean, am I that old? If it is so, I haven’t noticed. I may be very close to thirty but I am far enough from being baba watoto! Being married is a ton full of responsibilities and dedication, both of which I am not yet ready for. Do not say that I am frightened in being part of the builders and tenants of the institution of marriage. No. what I mean is that I am postponing to betroth a lady and taking a long diversion to parenting to the last date on the calendar! I have some male friends who are already married and I think to myself, what a waste of youthful years! Or so I think. I think it’s a different case for ladies though. Maybe I say all that due to the fact that the love bug or fever won’t catch me. Perhaps I am immune to it! Perhaps is about to strike. Who knows?

One elderly friend of mine recently made a remark that I should get myself a wife and I pointedly told him to give me his daughter’s telephone number and the man went grim! Haha! Who told him it was easy? I mean, did he not learn from his past experience when he was ‘searching’? Truth be told, marrying these days is not as easy as our parents days. The communication between two love birds may be easier these days but it brings its own plethora of complexities. This is where masks are worn over real personalities and photo-shopping chances are utilized to the maximum! Or even impersonation! I recently had a fortunate and a one in a blue moon chance of sneaking a peek into a friend’s Facebook account and I was shocked out of my rocker!
There in, numerous recipients had been sent messages coated with all the available smooth words. I think you know what I mean. Player? I dunno. That is why marriage and dating in this tech era is not as easy as the P. O. Box days of yore. Those days called for heaven high level of patience. Neither a delivery note nor an instant reply. Oh and literature! I mean humongous words and flowery citations. Men used to burn the midnight oil trying to compose a piece of literature in praise of his woman or in stoic and sturdy beseeching of his lady to be. Talk of squirting a dash of perfume to the letters. I ask how many of us have done all that. Me neither! All we do is send texts with cryptic acronyms like IDK, ION, SMH, LOL and the xaxa and the pouwa! Write me those and wait a century for a reply. Hehe!

 As we begin this year, I purpose to get more poetic in letters be it via inbox or SMS. To the dating and married, keep the candles burning!

TO MY FUTURE WIFE.

To my future wife;

My sweetie, I’ve been thinking about you and me – us; as the Christmas and New Year holidays draw near. I see my cousins, with their significant others, and I yearn that for myself, just once. No. Not once but at least, daily. For a life time. I doubt that will ever happen but I have hope that it will happen. I feel as if with each passing year I fall farther away from you. Perhaps, I might never find you my rib. Day and night, I wonder where God ‘threw’ my rib. You know?

At times, I think you are nonexistent. Yeah, I don’t believe you exist. There is this void in me that you are meant to fill. Yeah for you to occupy and make your abode.  Because you are meant to fill me, are you not? To make me whole. Full. Wholesome. At least that is what I see from my parents. I was born for you and you for me. I am because you are; in my fantasy! Why can I not find you? Why am I so alone? Or is my search in all the wrong places? Perhaps you are so near while I make my search so far!

Do you ever think of me? I mean, do I ever cross you r mind? That makes me think of Dolly Parton. Ok, do you have me in your mind? Or even dream of me? I muse in my thoughts of how you think of me. What I will look like; what my stance on life is. Do you wish you knew me now, at this moment? Do you wish we were together? Are you lonely? Like me? Or are you not yet born? After all, I know that the beautiful ones are not yet born.

I am set to welcome you, but I am not sure on how to do it. I am ready but again, not so ready for you. I am sure of myself but again, not so sure. I am courageous for you but again, I really fear. Yeah. I fear the future. The future that includes finding you.

Perhaps my world is to be my own – single and all alone. The lone ranger while my closest friends walk in twos.  I’m of the establishment of thought that possibly you aren’t designed for me, that I am not intended to have you or know you. Or us live together and share our lives together.

How am I to go on single-handedly in love when I have perpetually been told I am to wait for you or; search for you? You see, I have sought in every nook nick and cranny. Again, perhaps I have not sought too hard. Or diligently. Do not mistake me as one with a series of heartbreaks. No.  So where does that leave me, then? Not whole or less of a man?

I wonder, you woman, do you really exist? If not, who am I without you?  A man who cannot find you? What’s left for me without you?

You tell me.

How did all this come about? With the insatiable yearning and longing for you?

I picture myself being with you. Treating you right, walking with you in utter delight, showing all and sundry that we are smothered in love. Ever heard of PDAs? Public Display of Affection? Yeah that one. Perhaps we could try doing that too! But because I‘m afraid of what I would become were I to find you now, though I would love to be with you, to call you, to talk to you and to have you and to call you mine.

Perhaps, I should banish that thought from my mind. The thought of love and being loved. But life goes on lady. It goes on without you. It goes on in a limping gait till I find you. When I find you, I will hopefully walk with an upright gait.

Again, it has been far too long being single.  In the meantime, I am going to commence hoping for other things. Things like happiness, change, for new friends, new places, for opportunities after all aluta continua.

After all, I love myself. Charity begins at home. I am my home! For now!